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Showing posts with label satire. Show all posts
Showing posts with label satire. Show all posts
Offend a Feminist Week -- Wednesday!
Wednesday's entry response to the regrettable Offend a Feminist Week attempts to broaden the horizons of our conservative readership through the words of Maria Marisa Dolores Bonita Gonsalves Herrera, Ph.D., Chair of Hispanic Gender Studies at UC Santa Barbara. Dr, Herrera is notable among the UCSB faculy as the only Ph.D candidate they were afraid to ask to defend her thesis. Her professional publications include:
"Errol Flynn's Cuban Rebel Girls as Hispanic Feminist Metafiction"
"What was Lupe 'The Mexican Spitfire' Velez Spitting at?"
"Mi Hermana es su Hermana -- No Reasonable Offer Refused: The underground economy in Tijuana"
"You Only Care About the Glass Ceiling When You Want Me to Clean It for You"
(We apologize for the lack of a translation, but Miguel, our fully documented and absolutely no question about it legal typesetter suggested that some of the Doctor's comments might not have been entirely on topic...TBL)
Update: Loose translation provided by my gardener, um, 'Sven,' yeah, Sven...
"Mother****ers! You ******** come here, steal the part of our country with all the paved roads, and you want us to worry about YOUR flabby white asses. We've got a ****ing WAR down here because you can't keep your noses off the coffee table and we're supposed to worry about you only making eight cents to a man's dollar? ¡ARIZONA! ¡ATTICA! ¡¡ARIZONA! ¡ATTICA! ¡¡ARIZONA! ¡ATTICA!”
(Note: as best TBL can determine, "Attica" is some kind of ancient Aztec curse...
Who Thought This Could End Well?
Who thought this could possibly end well? Chris Dodd, the Oldest Living Sexual Predator in the US Senate, was invited to emcee the Ladies' Professional Golf Association Open. After the Senator WILDLY misunderstood the event's title, several players complained of serious dress code violations arising from Dodd's participation in the event.
Chris Dodd Video... A Three Beers Later Exclusive!
Three Beers Later has obtained exclusive cellphone video
from the closed-door, $1000 a plate fundraiser for
embattled Democratic Senator Chris Dodd (Ct.) at
Stamford University, where President Barack Obama call-
ed Dodd "one of my favorites."
Senate called the evening "very successful," and even
went on to praise the waitstaff.
"A two-bagger!" he went on to say. "Not bad for a fella my age...!"
Demon Beast Recession!
Face it, when you've lost the Japanese cartoon pornographers, you've lost America...
Not even remotely safe for work...
This is either gonna get a huge laugh or I'm deeply screwed...
Not even remotely safe for work...
This is either gonna get a huge laugh or I'm deeply screwed...
UPDATE: Every once in awhile this species does something to keep me interested. I haven't received one complaint from any conservative about using porn for political agitprop, but I DID receive the following from a tentacle anime fan:
BWAHAAAAHHHAAAHAAA! ! heheeee... guess your not screwed. but next time put a political content warning to cover your bases.
So conservatives don't care about my porn but the pornographers are worried about my politics...
Yeah, About That...
"We will one day be able to upload our brains."
I keep seeing this error message already...
Maybe I can get a pass by claiming I was a famous director or Democratic Senator...
Maybe I can get a pass by claiming I was a famous director or Democratic Senator...
Man up, nancy...
Poor Smitty at The Other McCain is havin hisself a testosterone crisis over Trace Adkins, so I figgered I'd give him a girl with some REAL country values... Miranda Lambert!
And I think we've found Sarah's new theme song...
WE PROVIDE MORE SHADE!
British scientists say they use up more fuel to transport them around and the amount of food they eat requires more energy to produce than that consumed by those on smaller diets.
According to a team at the London School of Hygiene & Tropical Medicine this adds to food shortages and higher energy prices.
Researchers Phil Edwards said: “We are all becoming heavier and it is a global responsibility. Obesity is a key part of the big picture." (Daily Telegraph)
Well, as anybody who has seen my videos below knows, I am ALL about the big picture.
And big pictures mean... that's right!...
BIG PROFIT OPPORTUNITIES!
What am I talking about?
It's the latest investment opportunity of the Global Warming Era!
CARBOHYDRATE CREDITS!
That's right! Carbo-Credits! It's so simple it ought to be illegal!
Here's how it works:
Persons of, er, substance pay less substantial people to stay skinny, to offset our exuberant circumferences!
This allows many of the diameter-challenged to earn valuable cash benefits, people like
Fashion Models!
Celebrities!
And People Who Already Live Under Progressive Governments!
Now they can afford to maintain their diameter-challenged lifechoices by underwriting the indulgences of the great and good (okay, mostly the great) among us!
This is an idea whose time has come. Keep watching this site for payment information once we have final arrangements completed with the First Tennessee Bank and Banco de Brasil!
The First Rule:
"Paco's Dining Rule #1 - stay away from chefs who serve up "creations" instead of food."
"FRIES! Give my creation -- FRIIIIIIIIIIIIES!"
Erudite Boston Thug Explains the rest of Obama's Bank Scam...
...with the help of the world's greatest CPA...
"It's Byzantine," Marty said.
"You find it Byzantine?" I said.
"Me, the world's greatest CPA. I'm in awe."
"Is it legal?" I said.
"Oh, God no."
"Can you explain it to me?"
"I can oversimplify it drastically," he said.
"Oh, good."
"As far as I can tell, your culprits are Barack Obama* and Tim Geithner.* Do you know what a special purpose entity is?"
"No."
"A special purpose entity is a device often used for securitization of debt."
"I urge you to oversimplify," I said.
"It was always my intention," Marty said. "Say you have a shop, Spenser's Sandwich Shop. You have a bunch of customers who buy their sandwiches on credit, for which convenience you charge them one percent a month. So at the end of the day you have earned a hundred bucks plus one percent a monthl. But there's nothing in the cash register. What you do is, you create a special purpose entity, and call it, say, Susan's Equity Trust. You can invest your own money in this trust, but at least three percent of it has to be independent capital. Then you sell your hundred dollar's worth of accounts receivable and its interest payments to Susan's Equity Trust. Now at the end of the day you have a hundred in cash. Susan's Equity Trust, in turn,sells shares in itself to investors eager to make one percent a month on the sale of sub sandwiches. So Susan gets a markup. The investors get their money back in installments plus the one percent interest. Got it?"
"Yeah, sure, banks do that with mortgages, don't they? Car dealers?"
"Lots of people do it and it's perfectly legitimate."
"Even when banks and car dealers do it?"
"Amazing but true," Marty said.
"But in the case of the Administration?"**
"Obama and Geithner*** were creating SPE's to hide debt. Remember what I told you. They had a ton of earnings but not much cash."
"The old mark to market accounting trick."
"Very good."
"So the absence of cash would begin to create debt."
"Right again," Marty said, "or one or another project was a losing proposition."
"And payment on the debt would use up cash."
"It would."
"So they needed to keep these matters off the books, or their profit picture would suck and people would stop buying their stock."
"Gracelessly put, perhaps," Marty said, "but not innaccurate."
"And the SPE's were their solution."
"Better," Marty said. "They could sell one operation or another, that had a lot of debt, to the SPE and show it on their books as income."
"And that's legal?"
"Remember what I said about conditions?"
"Essentially that the SPE needed to be independent of the creating company."
"Right. These aren't. They're owned mostly by the Federal Government, through the bailout funding.**** And the money they raised to create the SPE's was guaranteed by the Federal Government."*****
"So they weren't independent of the Federal Government."
"Nope, and as they developed, some of these outfits began to have interests antithetical to the country's but very beneficial to Obama and Geithner.****** You want to hear how?"
"Jesus Christ no," I said. "I never want to have this conversation again."
"Which is why you are not a world-class CPA."
"Thankfully," I said. "Isn't there somebody supposed to approve stuff like this?"
"Board of directors."
"They approved?"
"The banks'******* boards of directors, as far as I can see, would have approved compulsory pederasty if urged by Obama and Geithner."
"Isn't there any outside accounting?"
"There is, some of the best accounting firms in the Northeast, and Obama and Geithner's Treasury department."********
"So much for them... Is there trouble ahead?"
"For the banks? You better believe it."
"Any indication Obama knows this? Or Geithner?"
Marty smiled at me.
"How nice for them."
(Abridged from Bad Business, a Spenser novel by Robert B. Parker. Names marked by *'s have been changed by this blogger. No endorsement or sympathy on the part of Robert B. Parker is intended, implied or even anticipated. Seriously. None whatsoever. Period. Have you seen the size of that bastard?)
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