Offend a Feminist Week -- Friday!

In the interests of true diversity, Three Beers Later is proud to present some thoughts by America's first "male feminist" -- Hawkeye Pierce. Dr. Benjamin Franklin Pierce was a notorious distinguised veteran of the Korean Conflict, and went on, as per his biographer Dr. Ricard Hooker, to a groundbreaking career with the famed New England 'Cardia Nostra' which brought the science of open-heart surgery to its fruition...

"Let us drink to the suborning of the patriarchy, my dear."

"Ooh, doctor... no man has talked to me like that since 

my freshperson English Lit professor..."

"I like to think I was years ahead of my time in the field of male-female relations,"said Dr. Pierce. "The early feminist creed of liberation through sexual activity was a godsend to men and women alike. "Oh, yeah, baby, empower yourself! Take charge of your sexuality! I'll help. Here, let me hold your ankles...

"Of course, then the lesbians took over NOW and things went all to hell... I mean seriously, women were being told they could have 'it' all, career and families both, by women who didn't want half of it... brought me a lot of new business and a lot of new competition in the singes bars, if you know what I mean...

Offend a Feminist Week -- Thursday!

Today's guest feminist blogger:

Chlamydia Shabazz X

A dedicated community organizer, Chlamydia Shabazz X's credentials include:

National Spokeswoman, Congress Of Racial Iniquity

East Coast Director, Southern Christian Organization for Retributionist Extortion

Regional Liaison, Surly Pack of Lesbian Combatants

Chlamydia recently made her BET debut hosting the financial advice program, "That's MY Mortgage, Mistah Man, and I'll Pay It When I'm Damned Good and Ready!"

"Why are we letting a bunch of honky beeyotches tell us what the issues are?!  Do they think we're dumb enough to abort 60% of OUR babies to make more room for their Mexican gardeners and gated communities?

"Uh, wait a minute..."

Offend a Feminist Week -- Wednesday!

Wednesday's entry response to the regrettable Offend a Feminist Week attempts to broaden the horizons of our conservative readership through the words of Maria Marisa Dolores Bonita Gonsalves Herrera, Ph.D., Chair of Hispanic Gender Studies at UC Santa Barbara.  Dr, Herrera is notable among the UCSB faculy as the only Ph.D candidate they were afraid to ask to defend her thesis.  Her professional publications include:

"Errol Flynn's Cuban Rebel Girls as Hispanic Feminist Metafiction"

"What was Lupe 'The Mexican Spitfire' Velez Spitting at?"

"Mi Hermana es su Hermana -- No Reasonable Offer Refused: The underground economy in Tijuana"

"You Only Care About the Glass Ceiling When You Want Me to Clean It for You"

"¡Chingada su Madre! ¿Usted los maricones viene aquí, roba la parte de nuestro país con todos los caminos pavimentados, usted piensa que damos una maldición sobre sus nalgas blancas flacas gordas? ¿Tenemos una guerra el encenderse abajo aquí porque usted can' la subsistencia de t sus narices que moquea de la mesa de centro, y de usted quisiera que nos preocupáramos de usted que gana solamente ochenta centavos en un  dólar de los hombres? ¡ARIZONA! ¡ATTICA! ¡¡ARIZONA! ¡ATTICA! ¡¡ARIZONA! ¡ATTICA!”


(We apologize for the lack of a translation, but Miguel, our fully documented and absolutely no question about it legal typesetter suggested that some of the Doctor's comments might  not have been entirely on topic...TBL)


Update: Loose translation provided by my gardener, um, 'Sven,' yeah, Sven...


"Mother****ers!  You ******** come here, steal the part of our country with all the paved roads, and you want us to worry about YOUR flabby white asses.  We've got a ****ing WAR down here because you can't keep your noses off the coffee table and we're supposed to worry about you only making eight cents to a man's dollar?   ¡ARIZONA! ¡ATTICA! ¡¡ARIZONA! ¡ATTICA! ¡¡ARIZONA! ¡ATTICA!”


(Note: as best TBL can determine, "Attica" is some kind of ancient Aztec curse...

Offend a Feminist Week --Tuesday!

I personally am shocked! shocked! that such sexism still exists in this country!  To offset such rampant swinehood, let me offer another guest poster in rebuttal:

Vanessa Brattigan-Brown-Lambert-Evans

MBA Wharton School of Business

Personnel Relations, New York Times, DDBO, Procter & Gamble, Universal Studios 1999-2004

Independent Consultant, 2004-

Nationwide Guest Lecturer:

"Tenure Doesn't Mean What You Think It Means, Professor"

"Divorce as Long-Term Career Track"

"Enhancing the Hostile Workplace Environment for Maximum Return"

"Learn those basic office skills, ladies!  You might not understand why you need to take dictation in the modern office, but believe me, you'll get it in the end!"

Offend a Feminist Week -- Monday!

The Other McCain announces National Offend a Feminist Week.  Naturally I would never get involved with anything so chauvinist and reprehensible, even with the horrible example of this eeeeeeevil reighwinger teabagger white supremacist...

...so I'll be opening up this blog to genuine actual female type feminists to offer their insights into the event...

Today's contributor:

MITZI BIRNBAUM

WOMYN'S STUDIES MAJOR, USC

4.0 GPA

Mitzi likes kittens, sunny days and long walks carrying heavy placards to defy the patriarchy.  Turnoffs? War, global warming and people who wear fedoras when they should be wearing gimme caps.

"Hey, sisters!  Throw away those birkenstocks!  And shave 'em every once in awhile, okay?  It will do you a WORLD of good!"

Frumley Brooks, Esq., Mainsteam Conservative Pundit, Inveigles Against Offend-a-Feminist Week

In accordiance with the Brooks family motto since time immemorial, "Uno dies tardus quod uno denarius brevis" ("a day late and a dollar short") Mr. Brooks laments the latest insensitivity on the part of the American conservative movement:

"Rightwing blogger Robert Stacey McCain, a Washington functionary who has made a promising career of being mistaken for a distinguished Republican Senator, has taken the next sorry, inevitable step in the ruination of the conservative movement with his deliberate and deliberately offensive eponymous campaign to alienate middle-of-the-road women.

"Plainly, the mainstream women of America have made their choice, and it is incumbent upon us to adapt to it if the conservative movement is to survive.  We need to understand exactly where we are going wrong if we as conservatives continue to prefer this:

to this:

"Until we understand the message of empowerment and fulfilment women are sending us with this choice, we will suffer for it at the ballot box.

"We need to understand why women given a choice between  portraits of female accomplishment and achievement, reject this:

...in favor of this:
"We need to understand the important cultural message we are being sent when the middle-of-the-road majority applauds the free speech of a modern progressive woman:

...and rejects the firebrand rantings of an old-school reactionary who has the temerity to answer an unrehearsed question in public:

"Until we understand and embrace the demands the middle-of-the-road is placing upon us, until we learn to make room for their newer and sophisticated standards, I fear they will never let us join them."